So things did happen between me and Shenna, and it came as rather a shock to me as I really wasn't expecting it. She was technically the one to make the first move, and I do now like to wonder what I would have done if she didn't ask whether my crush was her. I did really crave her at the time, but I didn't think things would happen so quick!
It's been over a month now, and things have been fairly secure and fun. I do get jealous, but I know most of things are sincerely trivially small.
Somehow I do get the feeling she likes someone else. Maybe not as much as me, but there is still someone there. And I'm hoping that maybe he [or she] goes away, and doesn't haunt Shenna, or play in her mind when she's with me.
I feel unbelieveably bad for saying what I'm next going to say. But I guess this is my secret journal to which none of my friends currently can view, and so I think I should express myself fully and openly. I don't feel for Shenna as much as I thought I would.. YET. Because of course things can always develop and with love, this is often the case. This is not to say I don't love her, because I do, and I deeply care for her. But I guess what I'm trying to say is the feeling is not as strong/special? as I thought it might be. There are a number of possible reasons though. I did have a previous relationship with her.. so could I really be expecting anything new?
Also, when our coupling did happen, I really didn't expect it. And I was at the point of almost giving up on her, as I was convinced she liked someone else. And to be completely honest, I wasn't disliking being single. So maybe my mind frame wasn't quite set to it and it all happened too soon and too fast.
The last and my least favourite reason is because I'm a guy. What more explanation do you need? We crave what we can't have. We're a greedy species. And so naturally we don't want to be bound to just one person if we can have more. And we like to chase girls and make them like us, rather than being unable to make them like you anymore than they already do.
Thing is I don't know which one it is/which one it is more of thats causing it, and I don't know how to fix it.
What I'm finding that's interesting is that the majority of people agree with Matt's view on me that I'm a 'family' guy. Meaning I'm more likely to find a girl and want to stick with that girl.. forever. But I don't seem to think so much that way myself. By all means of course I wouldn't mind being with Shenna forever, but it's not really my intention.
To be perfectly honest. I'm already preparing myself for the worst. A depressing breakup. However I intend not to make a big fuss out of it. I know I will have to deal with it, and it'll probably affect me more than her [in the short-term at least]. But I know.. as soon as someone has doubts, there is no point in arguing. There is no point in forcing a relationship when someone doubts. And pleading is likely to make it worse. And it's not like Shenna is my last last chance at finding someone. Unlike Michelle, I'm a tad more optimistic, and I'm pretty sure/hopeful that I'll find someone to settle down with by.. 26 ish or so.
Not saying that Shenna isn't perfect, but maybe when I'm older I'll find someone more suited to me. She is, afterall a very Japanesy person. I'm not particularly bothered by it, but I do realize that maybe I won't be able to keep up with her and her different cultural style. As much as I do admire and very much look up to her photo manipulation skills, it is not as much part of my interests as dance is.
Recently I was accepted into Riven Dance and Model Academy, where I met this one girl, Liane I think, who really.. had an immediate effect on me. Something that snapped in me that couldn't make me forget her for a while. More of a spark. And I think maybe this is more of a spark because I met her in this field of my interest. Not that I'm considering a relationship or anything with this girl [she's at least 2 years older], but its just to show how different girls match differently for me. Me and Shenna do get on great! But usually its on very vague or no topics of discussion, rather than a conversation on good dancers, or photoshop techniques. She doesn't seem to be at all impressed or interested in the areas which I like.. and I feel that that's one thing that could make things a tad more difficult.
I don't know where this fits in, but I know I can be a little intimidating too, along with bringing her some jealousy, the fact that I have so many other female friends and I hang out so much with other people she doesn't know. Count out in this coming week holiday alone, the main names mentioned that I will be meeting, and there's already four different girls. Each with almost a different group of other girls and friends to hang with. I'm pretty sure this someway or another affects Shenna's behaviour. However how and where it affects I'm really not sure.
Anyway, my parents seem to have mixed the internet control upstairs up, and left me to browse and entertain myself much past my half 12 curfue, and it's now 25 past 2am, and i think it's time to rest. For I have training to do.
Thankyou blogger.
